I am an empty nester and now have plenty of time on my hands. When I say I have time I mean it in both ways… physically, where I don’t have to do much any more and in a deeper sense where I have a fair few years before I throw in the towel. And so what has been nagging me for the past few years has come back to haunt me in a big way. You would know what I am talking about if you have ever woken up after having barely slept and gotten out bed wishing you never had to, going through the motions of getting ready for work, dragging yourself every step of the way to work and complaining about how little there is in life to look forward to? Don’t get me wrong, I never ever intended to feel so unmotivated but have somehow found myself wanting something different, more meaningful. I don’t mean to complain about life in general and I have no regrets about anything that has happened thus far. I did what I had to for the greater good of the family and if I had to live life all over again, I would change nothing.
But now I am at a crossroads and NEED A CHANGE!! A complete overhaul. Something that’s going to add that little zing in my life… that little something that will add a skip in my feet and a song in my heart. So a change is imminent! But to follow a passion, they say, you need to discover, understand and follow your passion. And the best part in this whole scenario is I know exactly what my passion is. You would know exactly what I am saying if you too excel at doing something because it comes straight from the heart!!! I know I am good at it because many of my friends think I am already the person I want to be!!!!!!!!! But………………. There’s a problem. How do I give up a perfectly lucrative career to follow a dream that may never be mine? And is it necessary that I earn as much loving what I do as I do now hating what I do? Is the sacrifice worth it? what if it is not?
Its this constant dual within me that is quite disconcerting. See? There are these two MEs. The Social Me and the true me. Ever since I was born I have been taught to conform to behaviours that fit in with family and societal standards and culture, starting with simple rules such as table manners, then evolving to include complex belief systems we must follow to gain approval. And like I said, for the better part of my life I have run the Social Me programing without questioning. I have managed to please caretakers and this programming has more or less become an inherent part of my survival, so much so that the world (and largely me too) identifies me as that person. Its when I start to challenge the existence of a person I don’t know that the mind goes on a spiral dive of fears of losing a world I am so comfortable in.
And that’s exactly what is happening now. The True Me, much like the caterpillar that wriggles and struggles to get free of the bondage and spread the wings into that wondrous butterfly is flexing its muscles and busting to come out!!!! And why not?!?!?! After all anything that is true and vital and dynamic must be beautiful… This true, core self, the self I was born with, which includes personality traits, deepest desires, likes, dislikes, and genetics; the self that knows exactly how to be happy and life’s purpose; one that has come into this world as the pure joyful self, has been drowned in this smokescreen created for the pleasure of others. Don’t get me wrong, this arrangement has worked beautifully for me thus far when what I have wanted out of life is the same as what really needs to be what I want out of life. But trust me, as priorities are shifting I find it hard to be this person I am not!!!! And believe me, there is nothing more telling than that hollow or lost feeling inside.
So as the world goes to sleep on the old year and wakes up to a new one… will I still be on crossroads or will I make the resolution to change? I have given my family the roots by following the tasks of a Social me now will I be bold enough to afford myself wings to fly? To soar? To find that ever elusive dream and peace? What should I do with my life? Should I now follow the heart? or should I go with the flow and not rock the boat? And should I follow my dream, my passion how the hell am I going to convert that passion into a career or business. And why do I think it is so important that I must have a career that is lucrative? Why can’t I be happy being happy? Why is it that I want to keep some of the Social self and some of my True Self? And if I want to, is it possible to in this case have the cake and eat it too?
If life is a journey why can’t I just find a street sign some where that says bear left to find your dream life???