It feels weird… It finally here. I am all packed and ready to leave… oh wait!!!! Am i leaving home or going home?
A new world awaits. Retired life, lined with travel and fun. A phase where i will see a culmination of my duties as a mother. A time to spend with myself and nurture the relationship with self i have always wanted. Some to spend with my husband who has been third in line for my attention these past few years. New land, new country, new people, new friends, new home, new furniture, new lifestyle…. everything new.
But there is a twinge of pain. My first home. The home where my boys grew up. I remember my little one walking back from school, a stained grey shirt half tucked in, socks down to the ankle, face stained with food and paint looking, hot, hungry and tired and his face lighting up at the sight of home, mum and food. I remember the deep and meaningful drives to and from sport with the older one. I remember driving down with them for their first driving lessons along the quiet safe streets. I remember the walks that my husband and I used to take to get time out from the boys to discuss important issues. It was our safe haven – a warm hearth for the four of us. A place that became our identity. Kids on the street played cricket in our large garage, the pool was almost communal when the kids were growing up. The home where everyone was welcome. The “White House” of the street. The beautifully manicured backyard the plants the pool, the most beautiful birds that visited us every morning as we read the newspaper with filter kapi by the pool! Oh the memories… As I emptied each cupboard, i found paintings of the boys, cricketers posters, rugby league team logo paintings, collages, hilarious sorry notes from them when they were 6, mum’s day cards, birthday cards, first generation iPods, headphones that had been claimed “lost”- this home is like a cauldron of memories and a Pandora’s box of tears. I am running out of tissues in the house and the recycling bin is running out of space….
Saying goodbye is so hard. Letting go of this phase one of the hardest things I have done. Philosophising and advising is so easy when you don’t have to do it yourself. I’m sure I will be advising my friends a few years from now on how its really not that bad, but right now my heart is buried under tonnes of debris of memories… Even though I know the new Hello will be lovely, oh how I hate goodbyes…